Anxiety

Anxiety.  For some time I have suppressed it, but it is back with a vengeance.  Maybe it's because I have been so busy with planning the golf event, looking forward to having the girls and Curtis' buddies around, now it is over and they are gone.  Every time I turn around I feel everything is closing in on me.  I feel a sense of doom.  Criticism, even constructive, crushes me.  Small tasks overwhelm me.  Motivation evades me. 

I hate that these moments come at strange times.  Nothing in particular brings them on, or do they.  Yesterday I felt I was getting messages all day, and I wasn't liking what they were saying.  It seemed that every hour a song, recent or old, was sending a story of loss and yearning for a loved one.  My mid morning patient came in full of stress, and after chatting, I discovered she had lost her son almost exactly one year ago.  We had our moment, and she told me "You were just what I needed today"  That didn't help my melancholy mood, in fact I think it added to it. 

Unlike the dark days of three years ago, I know this time will pass.  I need to trudge forward, keeping in mind the wonderful people I have around me.  It's all I can do. 

"Sunny days seem to hurt the most.  I wear the pain like a heavy coat." ~Kenny Chesney

Beautiful Things

Spring is finally here, I think.  Actually, other than the gloominess, I haven't minded the extended winter.  It has kept my mind on the tasks of the things I need to accomplish.   The golf benefit is only a few weeks off and we have established our own non-profit and needed to wrap up a few loose ends for that.  And, since I didn't have enough to do, I have been asked to speak for Rochester's Memorial Day ceremony, what a tremendous honor.  With so much to do and so much on my mind, I have neglected to write, I have missed it.  

Yesterday I was choosing flowers for Curtis' grave.  We are placing them today, his birthday.  It makes me sad that this is the way we have to spend the day.  I know others are comforted by visiting the grave sights of their loved ones, but I have much difficulty with it, I always have.  I was looking at the many colors and varieties of flowers unable to select which flowers would be perfect.  How do you choose correctly for something that is so wrong?  I finally completed the task.

It made me think of how our minds can change so drastically about a subject.  Even though this is a small subject, I think it is a marker for how my attitude toward life has changed.  I used to tell Dave that I didn't like to receive fresh cut flowers because they only died.  Today, I would rather have him bring me home a bouquet or even a single flower over anything else. 

The beauty and fragrance of flowers bring something no other object could.  A smile always crosses my lips when I see them, and I have to stop to take in a full lung of their scent when I pass.  Yes, they do not last forever, but that is life.  Beautiful things are not meant to last forever.

Contradictions

It's only a few days before we hit the date we lost Curtis three years ago.  The last few weeks have been tough with so many reflective moments going through my mind. It makes me think of how my life has become a series of contradictions. 

I sometimes feel I'm walking around in circles, never really accomplishing much.  At the same time I look back at the last three years and see how much Dave and I have done.  How did that happen?   We have kept busy to help get through some tough times, yet it does little to ease the pain.

I feel a sense of peace, yet I have a nervous energy I can't seem to shake.  There is nothing I can do about what is happened and I have accepted that fate, but I cry often because it hurts. 

Time is the strangest contrast.  In three years a lifetime has passed in a blink on an eye.  I hate how it passes too quickly.  I worry with time I will forget things.   Not him of course, but small things I enjoyed about him so much.  I could be so mad at him one second, and he would say "I love you Mom" and it would all be forgiven.  I miss that.

The Whole Picture

Perhaps I've given the wrong impression.  Recently someone told me she didn't need to ask what I have been doing and how I have been feeling, all she had to to was read my blog.  I just nodded my head and smiled. 

I take great care in what I put out to the public.  I try to stay upbeat and positive because it is the direction I want to go.  The trauma I have suffered was deep, the wound was jagged and raw.  The healing has been slow and painful.  Now, 'arthritis' has set in, never letting me forget the damage that has been done.  Some of my writing is dark and angry, but I don't want to place that on anyone. 

I have said that I write for myself first, if it helps others to understand it is an added bonus.  Many can empathize, but I don't know if anyone could totally understand.  Even though many have gone through the same circumstance, each of our journeys are so different.  I can honestly tell them, "I have walked in your shoes, but I do not know what you are feeling."

So many look at the things Dave and I have done in the past few years and take comfort in believing we are doing great.  Yes, we have accomplished much, but as Dave would say it's because we are scared.  We didn't know what else to do.  We didn't want our son or any of the other brave men and woman who paid the ultimate price for our freedoms forgotten.  Doing the same old thing was not an option, so we simply needed to find an outlet. 

I will continue to write in my positive fashion because I believe it is that state of mind that is helping me heal.  I am grateful people read my blog and are able to follow this crazy journey, but please understand this is not the whole picture.  I don't think I can even put all of it into words.