There are many things that make this journey difficult. One thing I get hung up on over and over, is the idea that suddenly all the hopes and dreams that I had for Curtis were stripped from me.
Somewhere I read, 'When our children are alive we have many new things to talk about each day. Suddenly that stops, and you are left with only the memories, there is nothing new.' The same goes for the hopes and dreams. I can no longer think of the grandchildren that would give him as many grey hairs as he gave me. I know he would have made a great husband and father, but I will never get to witness it. I cannot watch as he discovers his mission in life, would he go to school or stay in the military? Those I will never know.
The lost dreams are not limited to Curtis. It interrupted Emily and Katie's future plans as well. All of our paths had to endure this major hiccup that diverted us to something else. It pains me that they had to go through this heartache at such a young age.
Of course not all aspects of our new life are bad. New missions, new relationships and new hopes and dreams have emerged. I hope Katie will remarry, she deserves to be happy and that is what Curtis would want for her. I dream of the many grandchildren Emily may have. And the work Dave and I have been doing to help others, has helped us.
By moving forward, we live for Curtis.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Military Ball
Over the weekend, Dave and I attended a Military Ball in Spring Grove. Eight years ago two local ladies of this small community in southeast Minnesota wanted something to thank veterans, and this event was organized.
We had plans to attend two years ago just one week after the funeral. I just didn't feel up to it, so Dave took Emily as his date. Oddly enough, as they were getting out of the car, they spotted our Patriot Guard ride captain, he was to be the main speaker that evening. We didn't know him well at that time, and their unexpected presence at the event, over an hour south of Rochester, made him nervous. Our family was part of his speech.
During the program this year we were introduced to a family of eight, seven of whom were in attendance. The seven boys in the family had served our country during WWII, Korea, and Vietnam. But the final family member is the one who paid the largest price of military service. The only girl of eight had lost her son in Vietnam forty two years ago. It was the reason the theme of the event was to honor Gold Star Mothers. There were four mothers in attendance, two from Vietnam.
It was an honor meeting these ladies. At a time when war was an unpopular subject, they couldn't be publicly proud of their sons. Mabel from Mabel, I love that and just had to put it in there, told me that if she could have spoken of him, she may have been able to move forward with more ease. It makes me feel fortunate that things have changed.
The opportunities I have to meet people keep growing. The stories I am privileged to hear help me to heal. Although I am new to this process, I hope in some way I am returning the favor.
We had plans to attend two years ago just one week after the funeral. I just didn't feel up to it, so Dave took Emily as his date. Oddly enough, as they were getting out of the car, they spotted our Patriot Guard ride captain, he was to be the main speaker that evening. We didn't know him well at that time, and their unexpected presence at the event, over an hour south of Rochester, made him nervous. Our family was part of his speech.
During the program this year we were introduced to a family of eight, seven of whom were in attendance. The seven boys in the family had served our country during WWII, Korea, and Vietnam. But the final family member is the one who paid the largest price of military service. The only girl of eight had lost her son in Vietnam forty two years ago. It was the reason the theme of the event was to honor Gold Star Mothers. There were four mothers in attendance, two from Vietnam.
It was an honor meeting these ladies. At a time when war was an unpopular subject, they couldn't be publicly proud of their sons. Mabel from Mabel, I love that and just had to put it in there, told me that if she could have spoken of him, she may have been able to move forward with more ease. It makes me feel fortunate that things have changed.
The opportunities I have to meet people keep growing. The stories I am privileged to hear help me to heal. Although I am new to this process, I hope in some way I am returning the favor.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Three Moths
There are many people who identify their lost loved one with something. Dragonflies, cardinals or moths are a few I have heard of. I have identified Curtis with eagles from the beginning because of a story I had heard from the day of the funeral. Apparently, from the time we arrived at the church until the end of the funeral, two eagles floated above the members of the patriot guard, only leaving after the service.
Yesterday seemed to be an exception for me.
I'll back up a bit and say that it was bull riding weekend in Rochester again. On Friday Dave and I went alone, but soon were surrounded by many of the people of the rodeo that have become a part of a tradition for us. Some we know from the past two years, some that are just introducing themselves but have known our faces for two years. Saturday, we had plans with a few more people to attend with us, one being our friend who had lost her brother. While waiting for the event to start another sister of a local fallen hero sat a few seats in front of us. I decided that they both needed to meet the announcer so their loved one could be recognized as well. It was a good night.
So yesterday afternoon, as the winds picked up, little black moths with orange tipped wings started fluttering around my front window. Three to be exact. With the wind so strong, I expected them to leave quickly, but they stayed and played long enough that I walked to the window to watch. One started to fly at the window tapping it several times. It made me smile, thinking of the three boys.
Later, Dave and I decided to take the dog for a walk at a local park. An evening walk is highly unusual for us, we prefer walking in the mornings. As we started down the path, again I saw three black, orange tipped wing moths appear leading us down the trail. One flew directly at me only diverting itself at the last second. This time it made me laugh.
Some may say I'm reading into this too much, trying to find a sign in anything. I don't think so. Anything that reminds me of Curtis or others that have passed, keeps their memory alive. I'm grateful that this particular sign brings a happy thought. Three great guys, who didn't know each other in life, have found a connection in death. They have brought three families together to celebrate their lives.
Yesterday seemed to be an exception for me.
I'll back up a bit and say that it was bull riding weekend in Rochester again. On Friday Dave and I went alone, but soon were surrounded by many of the people of the rodeo that have become a part of a tradition for us. Some we know from the past two years, some that are just introducing themselves but have known our faces for two years. Saturday, we had plans with a few more people to attend with us, one being our friend who had lost her brother. While waiting for the event to start another sister of a local fallen hero sat a few seats in front of us. I decided that they both needed to meet the announcer so their loved one could be recognized as well. It was a good night.
So yesterday afternoon, as the winds picked up, little black moths with orange tipped wings started fluttering around my front window. Three to be exact. With the wind so strong, I expected them to leave quickly, but they stayed and played long enough that I walked to the window to watch. One started to fly at the window tapping it several times. It made me smile, thinking of the three boys.
Later, Dave and I decided to take the dog for a walk at a local park. An evening walk is highly unusual for us, we prefer walking in the mornings. As we started down the path, again I saw three black, orange tipped wing moths appear leading us down the trail. One flew directly at me only diverting itself at the last second. This time it made me laugh.
Some may say I'm reading into this too much, trying to find a sign in anything. I don't think so. Anything that reminds me of Curtis or others that have passed, keeps their memory alive. I'm grateful that this particular sign brings a happy thought. Three great guys, who didn't know each other in life, have found a connection in death. They have brought three families together to celebrate their lives.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Two Years
My first thought was to leave this blog blank. It would visually show how completely my life stopped two years ago today. But life didn't stop for everyone, it has a way of moving on, and I have been pushed or pulled along with it. At first Dave and I would look at each other almost everyday and ask, "Now what are we going to do?"
The answers to our question came to us one by one. Patriot Guard and Tribute to the Troops rode into our lives, Bell of Honor committee wanted our input, and a golf benefit that we could jump into with both feet are just a few. If it were not for these, family, friends and many other organizations we could not be where we are today.
Yesterday, many of the people who have been part of the answer gathered for us to be part of the presentation of the Honor and Remember flag. A flag that was designed by another Gold Star father looking for a national symbol of a soldiers sacrifice.
Like last year, we invited some people down to be part of our day. Again, we were surprised by the outpouring of love that was gifted to us. The firefighters and police officers were lining the street, so many PGR riders, friends and family waiting for us at the Soldiers Field Memorial, we were so grateful. The last surprise was many of our TTTT family riding in at 1:00, coming down from the cities to be with us.
After a chilly start to the day, the sun came out and the afternoon became perfect. The program, not officially organized, was beautiful and fitting. Pastor Shaw said a prayer. Jane Belau, Poet Laureate, read a poem she had written about and for Curtis. The Honor and Remember flag was presented by Jim and Craig, two men that mean so much to us. Finally, the pledge of allegiance was recited to Old Glory. It was perfect.
I'm grateful to not leave this page blank. It may have been what I was feeling two years ago, but with so many blessings in my life, this page is full.
The answers to our question came to us one by one. Patriot Guard and Tribute to the Troops rode into our lives, Bell of Honor committee wanted our input, and a golf benefit that we could jump into with both feet are just a few. If it were not for these, family, friends and many other organizations we could not be where we are today.
Yesterday, many of the people who have been part of the answer gathered for us to be part of the presentation of the Honor and Remember flag. A flag that was designed by another Gold Star father looking for a national symbol of a soldiers sacrifice.
Like last year, we invited some people down to be part of our day. Again, we were surprised by the outpouring of love that was gifted to us. The firefighters and police officers were lining the street, so many PGR riders, friends and family waiting for us at the Soldiers Field Memorial, we were so grateful. The last surprise was many of our TTTT family riding in at 1:00, coming down from the cities to be with us.
After a chilly start to the day, the sun came out and the afternoon became perfect. The program, not officially organized, was beautiful and fitting. Pastor Shaw said a prayer. Jane Belau, Poet Laureate, read a poem she had written about and for Curtis. The Honor and Remember flag was presented by Jim and Craig, two men that mean so much to us. Finally, the pledge of allegiance was recited to Old Glory. It was perfect.
I'm grateful to not leave this page blank. It may have been what I was feeling two years ago, but with so many blessings in my life, this page is full.
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