I always amazes me that so many days are linked. So many days that remind me. So many bittersweet days. Today as I celebrate Mother's Day, I also remember Curtis' 25th birthday.
I was always happy to share this date. His wants for his birthday usually took over the day, but that never bothered me. After all, wasn't that what the day was about, a Mother's love?
Once again, his needs take over the day. On his birthday we travel to his grave to decorate it for the coming holiday. We raise a glass, and leave one for him. We laugh and cry. A far different birthday celebration from years ago.
But, I am still a mother. I have a beautiful daughter, a daughter in law and son in law. I have the joy of a granddaughter on the way. Life has a way of moving forward. In a way, I welcome the shared dates. I, obviously, will never forget, but they are also reminders of the wonderful gift that was Curtis.
Happy Heavenly Birthday Curtis, I am proud to be your Mother.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Moving
Times have been busy. To add to it, Dave and I recently moved. We only moved across town, but after living in the same home for 23 years it can be a big project. We are leaving the first home we ever owned, the home we spent almost half our lives in, the home we raised our children. So many memories caught in one place. The project has the potential to become very emotional.
Moving had crossed our minds many times over the years, but either the time wasn't right or we couldn't find the right house to keep the kids in the same schools. Then, when we were starting to toy with the idea a few years ago, Curtis was killed. The thought again was put on hold. Making such a big decision in times like that is just not a good idea.
Many memories came flooding back as I packed. Art projects were found, Emily's little rocking chair long tucked away or Curtis' farm set that hasn't seen the light of day brought back times from years past. Smiles instead of tears, a welcome change. Deciding what to keep, throw or give away was painful at times.
The most difficult project was taking down Curtis' things. Looking at his face, feeling like I was putting him away, if only temporary, felt like I was deceiving him somehow. But it had to be done, and I put that feeling aside and moved on.
Finally we are moved although not totally unpacked. As I left the old house for the last time I was surprisingly unemotional. I looked around and it already felt like the house belonged to someone else. Our new house already felt like home. My memories are in my mind, not in that house. I am not leaving my memories, they are moving with me.
Moving had crossed our minds many times over the years, but either the time wasn't right or we couldn't find the right house to keep the kids in the same schools. Then, when we were starting to toy with the idea a few years ago, Curtis was killed. The thought again was put on hold. Making such a big decision in times like that is just not a good idea.
Many memories came flooding back as I packed. Art projects were found, Emily's little rocking chair long tucked away or Curtis' farm set that hasn't seen the light of day brought back times from years past. Smiles instead of tears, a welcome change. Deciding what to keep, throw or give away was painful at times.
The most difficult project was taking down Curtis' things. Looking at his face, feeling like I was putting him away, if only temporary, felt like I was deceiving him somehow. But it had to be done, and I put that feeling aside and moved on.
Finally we are moved although not totally unpacked. As I left the old house for the last time I was surprisingly unemotional. I looked around and it already felt like the house belonged to someone else. Our new house already felt like home. My memories are in my mind, not in that house. I am not leaving my memories, they are moving with me.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Beautiful Balloons
It has been a long time since I decided to post something. One, I have not felt a need. The past several months have placed me with an even sense of emotions. Two, I have been busy with life. Volunteering, fund raising, speaking and working on relationships has added a mission to my life as well as a sense of peace.
This morning I was reflecting on a incident that happened last summer. It brought tears of sadness and joy.
I have written about the Patriot Ride in the past. I look forward to the ride, even knowing there will be many emotions. Each year is different and with every passing year, there seems to have more happiness in the ride for me.
The programs during the ride were extremely touching this year. There was a surprise homecoming, and a fellow Gold Star Mother spoke eloquently of our family's journey and thankfulness for the Patriot Guard's support. But the most touching part of my day was shortly after.
There is a ceremonial balloon release for the families. Each Gold Star family member is asked to write a note to their loved one and release a balloon as the final part of the day. For some reason, I did not feel like releasing a balloon. Many around me tried to force it on me, telling me I HAD to do it. If there is one thing I have learned in the past years, it is to follow my heart. I did not take a balloon, but followed the others to the field where they were to release them.
As I watch the ceremony, I noticed a couple in the back of the crowd. The woman was having a very difficult time. I did not recognize either of them, but kept an eye on them out of concern. Finally the man walked my way to take some pictures. I asked if they had recently lost their loved one. It had been one year and two days since the loss of his friends nephew. He had brought her for the first time, and like many of the families, the first ride is very difficult with emotions you didn't expect.
As the balloon release ended, the woman approached, still visibly upset. All I could do was take her into my arms as she sobbed on my shoulder. I knew those emotions all too well. I took deep breaths to remain calm and supportive, trying to show her peace without words. Dave and her friend watched silently. As she calmed, I opened my eyes only to find all the families had walked past us, silently, knowing the emotion. Seeing the picture as sad, yet very beautiful.
Had I chosen to release a balloon, I would not have been part of this beautiful scene. I am grateful I followed my heart. I did what felt right, not what I was told to do.
There is something more powerful than ourselves leading us in the direction we are suppose to take. We just need to follow the signs.
This morning I was reflecting on a incident that happened last summer. It brought tears of sadness and joy.
I have written about the Patriot Ride in the past. I look forward to the ride, even knowing there will be many emotions. Each year is different and with every passing year, there seems to have more happiness in the ride for me.
The programs during the ride were extremely touching this year. There was a surprise homecoming, and a fellow Gold Star Mother spoke eloquently of our family's journey and thankfulness for the Patriot Guard's support. But the most touching part of my day was shortly after.
There is a ceremonial balloon release for the families. Each Gold Star family member is asked to write a note to their loved one and release a balloon as the final part of the day. For some reason, I did not feel like releasing a balloon. Many around me tried to force it on me, telling me I HAD to do it. If there is one thing I have learned in the past years, it is to follow my heart. I did not take a balloon, but followed the others to the field where they were to release them.
As I watch the ceremony, I noticed a couple in the back of the crowd. The woman was having a very difficult time. I did not recognize either of them, but kept an eye on them out of concern. Finally the man walked my way to take some pictures. I asked if they had recently lost their loved one. It had been one year and two days since the loss of his friends nephew. He had brought her for the first time, and like many of the families, the first ride is very difficult with emotions you didn't expect.
As the balloon release ended, the woman approached, still visibly upset. All I could do was take her into my arms as she sobbed on my shoulder. I knew those emotions all too well. I took deep breaths to remain calm and supportive, trying to show her peace without words. Dave and her friend watched silently. As she calmed, I opened my eyes only to find all the families had walked past us, silently, knowing the emotion. Seeing the picture as sad, yet very beautiful.
Had I chosen to release a balloon, I would not have been part of this beautiful scene. I am grateful I followed my heart. I did what felt right, not what I was told to do.
There is something more powerful than ourselves leading us in the direction we are suppose to take. We just need to follow the signs.
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