Yoga

Taking care of myself after Curtis' death was not a priority, or something I just didn't think to do.  I needed something for myself, so I joined a yoga studio. 

Something I learned shortly after starting, besides my apparent lack of strength, is that I had been holding my breath, definitely since Curtis' death, but more probably since he had left for boot camp.  When asked to take in a full breath, I would stop after only a few seconds, my lungs were full.  Another thing I notice is that my practice will follow my moods.  At times I'm solid and in balance, and there are days that I'm unable to concentrate and fall out of posses.  But overall, I've come a long way since the beginning, and I feel it has helped me tremendously. 

I've been desperate to feel Curtis near me.  I have mentioned that I do not dream of him, but I do not feel his presence either.  This bothers me so much that it hurts.  I have had a particularly tough week with mini panic attacks and a feeling that I am forgetting something, but for the life of me I cannot remember what it is.  During my yoga class the other day, I was all over the place.  By the end of class I had changed my mantra to "Come to me Curtis"  I know it sounds desperate, it sure sounds like it to me!

That afternoon, while home for lunch, I spotted a bald eagle floating lazily above me.  It was a bitter cold day, and we were nowhere near open water.  Thank you Curtis, I know you are with me.