A patient recently told me that six months after her mother died she felt as if a fog had suddenly lifted. I have experienced something similar, but I describe it in different ways.
In the first few months I felt as if I had blinders on. I couldn't look around me, I only saw what was right in front of me. Driving with me was an experience, at one point Emily got out of the car and confiscated the keys from me. I only laughed when people asked when I was going to get my own motorcycle, I sure didn't need to be in charge of a bike in this condition. I think I first realized the blinders had been removed sometime in November when I was driving on a familiar road. I drove past an area that once had been wooded, and for the first time noticed that it was cleared. This obviously did not happen overnight, but I was seeing it for the first time.
Another way I have been describing this fog is that I was seeing things in shades of gray. Nothing had any brilliance. The world looked flat and one dimensional, just the way I felt. We were invited to many veteran and patriotic events over the summer so I know that the flag alone should have lent plenty of color, but I didn't see it. I can't tell you when I first saw glimpses of color again, I think it came back gradually. I only recently walked outside and thought, "What a beautiful day." I saw the blue sky and the sparkle off the snow.
I know there will be hard times ahead of me yet, but I'm happy to say that I am getting back to the land of the living and seeing it in full color.
No comments:
Post a Comment