As I sat down to write a post, my mind was blank. Typically I have a subject to write about, and can type a post quickly. I have a few subjects going through my mind this week, but I can't seem to get them written down. The most obvious subject this week should be Memorial Day, but after starting and re-starting several times, I decided to put that post on hold for now.
I have had a bi-polar week, some really big highs, and some really low lows. For example, while working on the golf benefit the other night, I discovered a mistake I had made, and even though it was easily fixable, it put me into a tail spin. I felt like my brain had a glitch that couldn't be fixed. While talking to Dave, I couldn't finish a thought and I was putting one persons first name with another's last so Dave was confused as to who I was talking about, yet I was unable to correct what I was saying. Was I losing my mind? It frustrated me to the point of a breakdown.
The following day, I felt as if I was in a fog, just getting through the day. During my lunch break I got a call from Dave with news that a balloon pilot in town we had been speaking with had a cancelled rider for that evening, and would like to take one of us up with the Honor and Remember flag to remind people of what the Holiday weekend is really about. My day just got better, but at the same time it made me think of all the generosity of people who didn't know Curtis or us, and made me cry again. Once again, bi-polar!
I'm sure that much of this is coming from the stress of so many things on my plate. Concentration has been a problem over the last year, and I need to write everything, (I mean every thing!), down to get it done, so the list is very long, and overwhelming to me. I'm not complaining, the benefit has been a good thing for Dave and I to focus on over the last 6 months, but stressful at a time when my mind just isn't working the same.
Just like everything else, I will get through this because of all the generosity and good hearts out there thinking of me and helping me along the way.
The balloon ride was amazing, thank you Mike.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tribute to the Troops
This weekend Dave and I are going on a remembrance ride with Tribute to the Troops. Many of this group are already members of the Patriot Guard, but wanted a bit more. The Patriot Guards mission is to honor the family by surrounding and protecting them at the funeral, but they are not allowed to approach the families, the Tribute to the Troops visits families each year to comfort them and to remind them that they will never forget. The ride this weekend will re-visit some of those families.
Last fall we were one of the families visited for the first time. We had been invited to the Tee it up for the Troops event in Mendota Heights, but because this group was coming, declined. JB, the founder of the golf benefit proceeded to tell us that the Tribute riders stopped at his event, and we were the first stop of the weekend. That is how we ended up at the Capital to ride to our own visit, apparently the first family to ever do this.
We didn't know anyone as we rode in, but with our gold star flag on the back of the bike, we got directed to the front of the line. After signing in there was a picture of the group on the steps of the Capital, when we were introduced, many people were surprised, not knowing we were going to be there, and we received many hugs, a gesture we would receive many of that day. For a Friday the attendance was incredible, over 100 bikes with about 140 riders total. It was overwhelming to think that this many people just genuinely care and took time off to show it. After a stop at the golf benefit, we rode with the group to Rochester, only breaking from the group to get home to watch the sight of that many motorcycles enter our neighborhood. As we waited, we could hear the roar of so many bikes several blocks away, even though we knew what was coming, it was still a sight to see. After a presentation and some kind words, we received a hug from every one of the riders. There were many tears, but they were not all tears of sadness, it felt good to meet these outstanding people. We didn't ride to the rest of the visits that weekend, we didn't think we were ready for that, but Emily and Dave rode to Camp Ripley with the group on Sunday and we all attended the banquet and concert that followed. That too turned out to be incredibly emotional and inspiring.
After that weekend Dave and I knew this is a group we wanted to be part of. Even with the threat of rain this weekend, we will ride with pride. These families deserve the best of what we can offer. When it is said, we will never forget, this group puts words into action.
Last fall we were one of the families visited for the first time. We had been invited to the Tee it up for the Troops event in Mendota Heights, but because this group was coming, declined. JB, the founder of the golf benefit proceeded to tell us that the Tribute riders stopped at his event, and we were the first stop of the weekend. That is how we ended up at the Capital to ride to our own visit, apparently the first family to ever do this.
We didn't know anyone as we rode in, but with our gold star flag on the back of the bike, we got directed to the front of the line. After signing in there was a picture of the group on the steps of the Capital, when we were introduced, many people were surprised, not knowing we were going to be there, and we received many hugs, a gesture we would receive many of that day. For a Friday the attendance was incredible, over 100 bikes with about 140 riders total. It was overwhelming to think that this many people just genuinely care and took time off to show it. After a stop at the golf benefit, we rode with the group to Rochester, only breaking from the group to get home to watch the sight of that many motorcycles enter our neighborhood. As we waited, we could hear the roar of so many bikes several blocks away, even though we knew what was coming, it was still a sight to see. After a presentation and some kind words, we received a hug from every one of the riders. There were many tears, but they were not all tears of sadness, it felt good to meet these outstanding people. We didn't ride to the rest of the visits that weekend, we didn't think we were ready for that, but Emily and Dave rode to Camp Ripley with the group on Sunday and we all attended the banquet and concert that followed. That too turned out to be incredibly emotional and inspiring.
After that weekend Dave and I knew this is a group we wanted to be part of. Even with the threat of rain this weekend, we will ride with pride. These families deserve the best of what we can offer. When it is said, we will never forget, this group puts words into action.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Beckie
Sometimes an event changes people. When Curtis died there were many people that were touched by his sacrifice. One brave young woman in my life made a drastic change in her life because she felt it was what she needed and wanted to do.
Beckie is my niece. She has a degree in music education and played taps, beautifully I may add, for Curtis at his burial. With so many budget cuts over the last several years, a music position is hard to find. Beckie relocated from Rochester to Tucsan, AZ for her first job. She walked into a bit of a bees nest when she got there. The former instructor had not prepared his students in their respective instrument, and she felt she was way over her head as a first year teacher. Without the support of parents or even other teachers, she felt lost and alone. While visiting a friend one weekend an old idea came up again. Her dream of being part of a military band. She had thought of it several times in high school and throughout college, but never acted on it. After playing taps for such an emotional event, she wanted to join to relive that honor and pride again. After passing the audition, she told me she would have never passed it out of high school because it was so difficult, it's no wonder the military bands are elite.
Beckie didn't audition for just any military band, she is going to be part of the Marine Corps Band. As a female vet myself, I was able to prepare her for the 'boys club' she was about to enter, or at least try. I am so proud of her, to follow a dream, knowing there are risks, no matter how great or small. She is in boot camp now and I wish her luck, I know she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to. Dave and I will welcome another Marine into the family with pride.
Beckie is my niece. She has a degree in music education and played taps, beautifully I may add, for Curtis at his burial. With so many budget cuts over the last several years, a music position is hard to find. Beckie relocated from Rochester to Tucsan, AZ for her first job. She walked into a bit of a bees nest when she got there. The former instructor had not prepared his students in their respective instrument, and she felt she was way over her head as a first year teacher. Without the support of parents or even other teachers, she felt lost and alone. While visiting a friend one weekend an old idea came up again. Her dream of being part of a military band. She had thought of it several times in high school and throughout college, but never acted on it. After playing taps for such an emotional event, she wanted to join to relive that honor and pride again. After passing the audition, she told me she would have never passed it out of high school because it was so difficult, it's no wonder the military bands are elite.
Beckie didn't audition for just any military band, she is going to be part of the Marine Corps Band. As a female vet myself, I was able to prepare her for the 'boys club' she was about to enter, or at least try. I am so proud of her, to follow a dream, knowing there are risks, no matter how great or small. She is in boot camp now and I wish her luck, I know she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to. Dave and I will welcome another Marine into the family with pride.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The Boulder
Last Sunday I attended the Scoops for Troops event in Eagan. It is an event that was started by three other Gold Star Families. Dave and I met our friend Jamie, and my sister and brother in law, Joy and Brian, there. Despite the freezing weather, there was a good turn out for the run/walk.
We set out for the 3K walk, and Joy and I with our long legs soon left the rest of our group in the dust, but it gave us time to talk. Joy told me about a movie she had seen about a mothers loss, and the struggles she faced trying to move forward. At one point the character asked her mother if she would ever get over this. Her mother told her that, No, it is as if she has been given a brick to forever carry with her, sometimes an hour or even a day may go by and she will forget, but then she will put her hand in her pocket, and the brick will still be there.
I have thought about this all week. As always, I had to put my own twist on things. In my life I have been given a stone, a brick and a boulder. My father, my sister, and my son. The stone and brick can be placed in my pockets, but I must carry the boulder on my shoulders. The stone and brick threw my center of balance off, but the boulder has changed my life permanently. Many people have noticed my struggle to carry it and come to help, but they always place it back where it belongs. I someday may become strong enough to get used to the weight and not notice it as much, but it will always be there.
Learning how to maneuver through life with this burden is the challenge. I think Dave and I have a good start by reaching out to others, attending as many events as possible, and keeping his name, and what he stood for out there. Maybe by doing this, even Curtis is helping to lighten the load.
We set out for the 3K walk, and Joy and I with our long legs soon left the rest of our group in the dust, but it gave us time to talk. Joy told me about a movie she had seen about a mothers loss, and the struggles she faced trying to move forward. At one point the character asked her mother if she would ever get over this. Her mother told her that, No, it is as if she has been given a brick to forever carry with her, sometimes an hour or even a day may go by and she will forget, but then she will put her hand in her pocket, and the brick will still be there.
I have thought about this all week. As always, I had to put my own twist on things. In my life I have been given a stone, a brick and a boulder. My father, my sister, and my son. The stone and brick can be placed in my pockets, but I must carry the boulder on my shoulders. The stone and brick threw my center of balance off, but the boulder has changed my life permanently. Many people have noticed my struggle to carry it and come to help, but they always place it back where it belongs. I someday may become strong enough to get used to the weight and not notice it as much, but it will always be there.
Learning how to maneuver through life with this burden is the challenge. I think Dave and I have a good start by reaching out to others, attending as many events as possible, and keeping his name, and what he stood for out there. Maybe by doing this, even Curtis is helping to lighten the load.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Troubling Week
This week has been a very troubling time for me. On Sunday the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed put me in a strange place. I felt no sorrow, I felt no elation, I felt nothing. But, as the week goes by my anxiety has reached higher and higher.
I have been subjected to news clips, newspapers and facebook posts, forcing me to look at my sons killer over and over. The clips of people in the streets worries me. Americans were appalled that there was celebrations after 9/11, how are they any different by celebrating this death? Someone said to me that it was more a display of relief, but the clips could easily be misinterpreted. There are so many of our men and women still in very dangerous areas, including Curtis' unit. The man may be dead, but the Taliban isn't! It may be a good start, but there will be another to step up and lead, who's to say that person won't be more extreme or dangerous?
My phone rang off the hook on Monday looking for my opinion, I answered none of them. I can't say that I am not glad that a man is dead, I am, but it does nothing to bring back what I want most, my son.
I have been subjected to news clips, newspapers and facebook posts, forcing me to look at my sons killer over and over. The clips of people in the streets worries me. Americans were appalled that there was celebrations after 9/11, how are they any different by celebrating this death? Someone said to me that it was more a display of relief, but the clips could easily be misinterpreted. There are so many of our men and women still in very dangerous areas, including Curtis' unit. The man may be dead, but the Taliban isn't! It may be a good start, but there will be another to step up and lead, who's to say that person won't be more extreme or dangerous?
My phone rang off the hook on Monday looking for my opinion, I answered none of them. I can't say that I am not glad that a man is dead, I am, but it does nothing to bring back what I want most, my son.
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