Sunday, July 31, 2011

Challenge Coin

While visiting Beckie on family day last Thursday I was in the museum's gift shop to purchase her units challenge coin as a gift to her.  A challenge coin was traditionally presented as mementos of service in the Army Air Corps.  When a pilot was shot down behind enemy lines during WWI, his identification taken from him, he was able to identify himself as American after his escape, by his unit coin.  Today, these coins have spread through the military and beyond.  They are larger than a 50 cent piece and usually say something about the giver.  They are given as symbols of merit and achievement through a handshake.  In my case, I have been given several as a token of appreciation.

As I paid for the coin, I noticed the gentleman behind the counter had a Purple Heart embroidered on his shirt, he also proudly had his stack of ribbons hanging around his neck.  When I thanked him for his service, he said he wore the purple heart for those who did not return.  I told him that my son was one of those, and pointed to my gold star pin.  He bowed his head for several seconds, then looked up and simply said "I'm sorry".  He let me pay then stopped me again, reached into his pocket and pulled out his coin to present to me. 

I was stunned, I did not know this man, and he was giving me a very special coin indeed.  On one side is the Purple Heart, the other is:  Walter S Laban, 29 May 51, Korea, USMC.  It was Walt I was speaking with, and I could see in his eyes, he never forgot those that did not come home with him.  I held the coin in my clenched hand to my heart and with no words thanked him, we both left each other with a tear in our eyes.

Besides the graduation, this was the single most memorable moment of my trip.  War has many casualties.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Parris Island

I'm heading to Parris Island, South Carolina today to attend the boot camp graduation of my niece.  I've been struggling on how I feel about this trip.  Right now I am calm, but I never know how I am going to be once I am there.

I have been to a few of these graduations, the last being Curtis' in 2007.  I am glad that all the others have been at MCRD in San Diego, so this will be a whole new venue and experience.  But the ceremony, in true military fashion, will be the same.  I'm happy to go and be there for Beckie, but in my mind it has a bit of a homecoming feel to it, so it makes me nervous.  I'm proud of her, but worry about what she may encounter in the military, just the same as I had for Curtis. All of this is too familiar.

I've been told that a child's traumatic death can lead to symptoms of PTSD, and it is these events that make me believe it.  I'm not saying I have it, it is not a disorder to be throwing around lightly, but sometimes when I am in these situations my anxiety rises, my heart races, concentration becomes poor and my mind will go numb. 

Some people have suggested I don't do the things that bring on the stress, but what else do they suggest?  Should I hole up in my house and never deal with these issues?  I can see that is not the answer.  It may be difficult, but facing these things head on is easier than running and hiding.  I would only have to deal with it at possibly a more inopportune time.  I would rather do it on my own terms.

Regardless of my issues, I will stand in support of Beckie's accomplishment.  Only one percent of Americans serve in the armed forces and even fewer can 'claim the title, United States Marine'.  She should be proud of herself, I am.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Chicago with TTTT

When Dave and I bought the motorcycle only three months after Curtis' death last year, we didn't know that it would literally save our lives.  We found it very therapeutic to get out and just ride, putting on 10,000 mile last summer.  But the day that the Tribute To The Troops came to our house in September, we both knew they were the group we needed to be part of. 

This past weekend, we traveled to Chicago with some of the Tribute riders to visit families.  Illinois is starting their own chapter, and the Minnesota group is helping to get it started.  Although Dave and I had gone on the remembrance ride this Spring, the first visits have a different impact and feel, so I felt as if we were going for the first time.  Hearing stories from other riders, it sounds like every time feels like the first because every visit is as different from each other as the families. 

We visited four families.  As a Gold Star mother, I know the pain they are still feeling and how overwhelming the anticipation of what to expect from this group can be.  At each visit, I got those same feelings.  What would I say, how would they react?  But the mother to mother embrace, the knowledge of our pain, was the same each time.  I think sometimes we feel that we are the only ones going through this, or any of our life's troubles, and having that connection is powerful and healing.

Between the excessive heat and the emotions of the day, I was exhausted.  I could have fallen asleep on my feet by the end of the day, but it was worth it.  I get the chance to be with some amazing people, all with hearts of gold.  They encourage us to talk of Curtis with comfort.  We are fortunate to have found an outlet to make a tragic event into something good. 

Thank you to all my new friends.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Rest Easy Marines

Yesterday two local heros were brought home.  SGT Chad Frokjer and CPL Michael Nolan, both United States Marines.  Anytime I hear of another KIA it weights heavy on my mind, but a Marine is especially difficult.  Coming on the heals of a holiday is hard as well, I think of what the family was going through when the rest of us were celebrating without much care, much the same as our family on Easter. 

Today, for the first time, Dave feels the need to be at the viewings to support the families.  I have yet to decide what I am going to do.  I know how it felt to have other Gold Star family members attend the services to show their support, but I also know how difficult and emotional it will be. 

I probably will wait until the last minute to make that final choice, even as I sit here writing about it I am flipping back and forth.  No matter what that decision is, I will be thinking of the families today and in the coming days and months, knowing the journey they must travel I will keep them in my prayers. 

Rest easy Marines.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Crash

It's only a matter of time.  There are so many times when we are together with some great people, lifting up our hero's, supporting us through the most difficult period of our lives.  The gatherings are uplifting, they help to keep a memory alive, yet at the same time they rip the scab off the wound one more time.  Typically they are followed by 'The Crash'.

It's a double edge sword.  No one wants the memory of their loved one forgotten.  We have a huge network of people who want to help to keep our hero's and what they stood for alive to make sure we all understand what price our freedoms come at.  The generosity is overwhelming at times.  Although the gifts and memorabilia make me feel grateful, it is a strange sensation to have such notoriety. 

The crash is something that comes later.  I didn't feel it after the golf benefit, yet after the Patriot ride I hit that wall hard.  I think it was because the events were very different from each other, or it was a delayed reaction, I simply didn't have time to fall.  The benefit felt light and a celebration of Curtis' life, and although the ride was uplifting, it had a heavier feel to me.  That following week was rough.  I had trouble concentrating, I found it difficult making small talk with patients, the tears were too close to the surface for comfort, and I snapped at Dave or anyone else in my path.  By the end of the week the stress led to a migraine. 

After some much needed rest, I feel better.  I know that I need to take the time to take care of myself.  I need to keep going to these events, not only for the help it gives me, but to help others.  Hopefully the crashes will become less often or at least soften.