Avoidance

My house is spotless.  I have been going through things like a white tornado, cleaning and purging.  This is something I have not been up to for eighteen months.  I have been through every inch on my house except one small closet, Curtis'.

When I started this quest, I was thinking, "Finally, I have some energy to do something normal!"  As this energy burst continued, I understood what it truly was, an avoidance tactic.   It started with the need to find a reasonable spot to display all the memorabilia and gifts that have been given to us since Curtis' death.  The generosity is staggering.  I had put much of it in his room, thinking I would get to it at a later date.  As time went on, I found that some visiting friends and family had a difficult time staying in his room.  I can understand how they felt, not everyone finds comfort sleeping in a room that has the life size eyes of the dead watching over them.  I felt the need to "De-Curtis" his room a bit.  That may sound cold or unemotional, but it is the best way to describe what I needed to do, my home is too small to have unusable space. 

I have placed many of the things in the hallway leading to his room.  Emily noted that I have never had anything on these walls before.  This is because I had two children in the house that would have compromised any valuables placed there, it seems to be a pure area for his things now. 

I am running out of steam and the closet is still sitting untouched.  I sometimes sit at the bottom of the steps looking at the beautiful things on the wall, thinking of what awaits me at the top.  Maybe this is not the time to go through his childhood things, I may not be truly ready for some time.  For now I will take comfort in his new space and my clean house.

Blue and Gold

Some time back I was asked to write a piece for a local magazine that comes out for Veterans Day.  I have been struggling with how to approach this.  It may have been the way it was presented to me.  The gentleman who asked, told me I should write about what you go through as a Blue Star Mom.  I thought he only mixed up the Blue and Gold, but he went on to say that I should talk about the struggles and feelings a Mom goes through when a child is deployed.  I looked at him blankly, I didn't even know how to answer, I only said that I would try to put something together.

I remember those feelings, it's just that it feels like a life time ago that I was counting down the days until I could take a full breath, knowing that my son was out of danger.  I now am with a group of people that know the pain of never having that final count down, never taking a fully relieving breath.  I think he was trying to convey to me that I should write about my experience as a Gold Star Mother, but how do I sum up my feelings in a short essay?

When Curtis first deployed I felt I didn't need the support of the local Blue Star Mother's group.  I had my own support group, my sister in laws had both been through deployments with their sons.  I had them to talk to and go to for support.  Today I find the local group invaluable.  They stand by quietly, always remembering special dates, stopping by with flowers and cards of encouragement.  They have asked me to join them at their meetings, but I am not ready for that.  I have moved on from the Blue Star status.  I know they do not want to be where I am, nor do I want them to join me.  They are a wonderful group that know the difficulties of a deployed child, and to some degree understand what I am going through , because I am living their greatest fear.

I'm not sure if I'll ever get the essay completed, and I may already be too late to submit it.  I have learned that some things cannot be rushed, or there are things that are just not meant to be.  It may have to wait until next year, but for now I will take comfort in knowing there is this special group of ladies who will always care, they don't need an essay to understand.