Avoidance

My house is spotless.  I have been going through things like a white tornado, cleaning and purging.  This is something I have not been up to for eighteen months.  I have been through every inch on my house except one small closet, Curtis'.

When I started this quest, I was thinking, "Finally, I have some energy to do something normal!"  As this energy burst continued, I understood what it truly was, an avoidance tactic.   It started with the need to find a reasonable spot to display all the memorabilia and gifts that have been given to us since Curtis' death.  The generosity is staggering.  I had put much of it in his room, thinking I would get to it at a later date.  As time went on, I found that some visiting friends and family had a difficult time staying in his room.  I can understand how they felt, not everyone finds comfort sleeping in a room that has the life size eyes of the dead watching over them.  I felt the need to "De-Curtis" his room a bit.  That may sound cold or unemotional, but it is the best way to describe what I needed to do, my home is too small to have unusable space. 

I have placed many of the things in the hallway leading to his room.  Emily noted that I have never had anything on these walls before.  This is because I had two children in the house that would have compromised any valuables placed there, it seems to be a pure area for his things now. 

I am running out of steam and the closet is still sitting untouched.  I sometimes sit at the bottom of the steps looking at the beautiful things on the wall, thinking of what awaits me at the top.  Maybe this is not the time to go through his childhood things, I may not be truly ready for some time.  For now I will take comfort in his new space and my clean house.