I'm reading the book "The Year Everything Changed" by Georgia Bockoven. The title may indicate it could relate to me, but it has a totally different story line. It is just a bit of easy reading that takes my mind away from my own troubles. I'm not very far into the book, but I ran across a line that struck me. "She wasn't ready for the life she'd known to be over, and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it."
Wow. How true this statement rings. Even before my life imploded, I was feeling a sense of that statement as true. Curtis had been out of the house for three years, and Emily was making her own way as well. After I raised children and they flew from the nest I needed time to adjust and find my own way too. What was I going to make of myself now that I wasn't needed anymore? I guess I was just starting to get over my pity party and figure it out when the bad news arrived, how small the former problem became.
In so many ways new opportunities have opened up to me, and in so many ways I struggle with some of what is left of my former life. My work is a source of trouble for me. I wonder sometimes if it is what I want to do anymore, something that had never crossed my mind before. I question if I was a good enough parent. I think I offered enough love and support, but it will always be something I will wonder. And, among so many things, I miss the sense of security. It was challenged during deployments, but certainly not to this extent, anxiety is a constant companion now.
Change is just a part of life, but I wasn't ready for this, how could anyone be? It's just that some days I'd like to go back and have a few more days of what I remember as normal. There's not a damn thing I can do about it.
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