Nightmares

Did you ever wish you could unread something?  I recently read a book about a small boy in a serious accident who, while in a coma, visited Heaven.  He spoke of his time with God and what Heaven was like.  It isn't his account of Heaven, or God that has troubled me, but the account of the holes that lead to Hell that have bothered me.  I've talked before that I do not dream of Curtis, but shortly after reading this book, the nighmares started. 

I liken peoples stories of their dreams they share of  their loved ones the same way some share a birth experience or root canal.  You only hear about the wonderful dreams, just as you only hear about the horrible experiences of child birth or a terrible root canal.  When in reality, many dreams are scary, as some child birth and root canals are uneventful.  I have struggled whether to share these nightmares, but they have weighed so heavy on my mind, I knew I had to. 

The first, I was home alone and a man pulled his car into my driveway.  I approached the door, and was instantly frightened, even though he posed no immediate threat.  When I asked the 30 something, 250 pound man what he wanted, he replied, "Don't you know me?  I'm your son."  I ran at him with rage, pounding him with my fists.  The thing that struck me was he was dressed all in red.  I woke heart pounding and out of breath.

The second is a reoccuring dream.  The only thing I can ever recall is a young man standing to my side yelling in my ear, "I never loved you!" over and over.  It doesn't really look like Curtis, but in my dream, I believe it to be him.  Again, I wake suddenly, heart racing and breathing hard. 

Of course I don't believe this to be true, but what do these dreams mean?  Sometimes I think it is the work of the devil, trying to break my spirit.   I work hard everyday to be at peace with what has happened.  I believe he is in a better place, but just like when he was deployed and the "what ifs" crept into my mind, the wondering finds it's way in as well, these nightmares are no help.

The book I read was ment to be inspirational, but it left me feeling upset and with more questions.  I wish I could go back and unread it.  But, like with many things, I need to pick up the pieces and carry on and figure out a new way around this new challenge.