Random Act of Kindness

I woke up far too early today.  It was a rough morning, against my better judgement I viewed a couple of tear jerking things on facebook.  I had a list a mile long so I had to pick myself up and drag myself out the door. 

First thing on my list was an oil change and tire rotation.  When I saw the mechanic approach me after only about 10 minutes, I knew it couldn't be good news.  Apparently my water pump was leaking.  The plus side, I was still under the extended warranty.  But, since they were in there, they should replace some belts and of course a filter or two as well. 

As long as I was there, I asked to talk to a manager for a donation for the benefit, I never pass up the opportunity to talk to someone as long as I am soliciting their business.  The mechanic, who had  asked about my Gold Star plates, listened in and once again offered his condolences.  After getting a fabulous rental secured, I was on my way. 

When I finally returned to pick up my vehicle, I didn't see the mechanic so I went to the window to pay.  The flyer's I had given the manager were already laminated and at the pay desk, the cashier was wearing the button I had given him.  Two of her relatives had served in Iraq and Afghanistan, so he thought she deserved to wear it.  The problem was, she couldn't find my key.  Just then, the mechanic came from behind, reprimanding me for not finding him first.  He told the cashier to reverse the charges on the credit card I had just paid with, over $230.  It was his way to thank me for my sacrifice, and I had ruined his random act of kindness. 

I was stunned, I guess I never get over that feeling.  As he walked me to my car he asked more questions about Curtis.  How could I thank him enough? 

I have been on the receiving end of such kindness for almost two years, and it never ceases to amaze me.  A card out of the blue letting me know I am being thought of, a call, the donations and gifts we receive, someone paying a bill.  How many ways can I say thank you?  When I said that to one of these givers, they only replied, "It is ME who needs to thank YOU!"  Fair enough, but it always brings a tear to my eye.

Thank you Dan.

The Choice

It always amazes me the people I run into.  Not long ago, while Dave and I were out, we started a conversation with the couple sitting next to us.  An older gentleman with a baseball hat announcing "WWII Vet" joined us.  After I thanked him for his service, the first man told us his older brother had been killed in the war when he was just one year old.

We told him of our son, and what we had been doing to keep his memory alive.  He was impressed.  Unfortunately his parents, particularly his father, never moved forward from their loss.  He only remembers a bitter and angry man, a man unable to enjoy life again.  "As I see it," he went on to say, "you have two choices, either hide yourself away with your head in the sand, or get out there and make something good of it."  This comment has stuck with me.

Dave and I have felt this way from the beginning.  Many of the recent Gold Star Families feel the same.  Keeping our children's memory alive not only helps us but benefits so many others.   Our getting out there raises funds for scholarships, wounded warriors, returning troops and their families, as well and so many vets.  Telling our story, showing things do get better, may help other families of fallen to cope in those first dark days and months.  Being part of groups with missions bigger than ourselves helps us to carry on, knowing there are so many people who genuinely care.

Neither of these choices would have been easy, that is the trouble with such a devastating loss.  But the way I see it, it is much easier to have some company along the way.

A Matter Of Time

It is only a matter of time.  Just like the Minnesota weather, if you don't like it today, just wait until tomorrow.  As peaceful as I felt last week, this week is full of uncertainty and unrest.  Sleep has been elusive.  Over the last few days I get the feeling I am forgetting something, leaving something undone.  It makes me nervous and antsy. 

It could be that the anniversary is fast approaching.  In the last few days I have been getting flashbacks of the weeks events hitting me out of the blue.  Just snippets of moments that remind me of the loss.  The worst of them is watching the two marine heads pass my deck, knowing what news they carry.  I actually have come to respect both these men, but I wish I could wipe that moment in time away. 

Another thing that bothers me is the news coming out of Afghanistan of a soldiers killing spree.  I understand the stress he is under that made him snap, but the danger he has placed on others is devastating.  I have a friend deploying within the week, with another to follow in a few months.  This news places me back in time of when Curtis deployed and the stress was painfully high.

This walk through grief is the hardest thing I've ever done.  The emotional highs and lows are crazy and uncontrollable.  Just when I feel I have a handle on things, I get slapped again.  They sometimes get lost, but I try to focus on the blessings in my life. 

It's only a matter of time.

Speck of Sand

Things have been quiet over the last several weeks, both in my activities and in my mind.  I've had a few things that have created some turmoil and stress, but I think I have dealt with the situations much faster and calmer than I could have even a year ago.

I have reached a place, for now, that has very little emotion, I feel flat.  Maybe it is the fact that I felt so manic over such a long period of time, that this relatively calm period feels emotionless.  When I think of Curtis I don't get terribly down, in fact some memories can bring a smile to my face.

While at a retreat shortly after Curtis' death, the speaker was commenting about getting to a place that we can say, "my son lived" rather than,  "my son died."  I felt at the time that I couldn't reach that point.  But, looking at his things lately, I have reached that calm spot, and thought how lucky I was to have raised such a wonderful person.  I couldn't be the person I am today if he hadn't entered my life.

Although sometimes I can get ahead of myself and get worried about the many years I have to live this life without him in it.  How much I will miss out on because he is not here.  I have to remember that this life is just a speck of sand compared to eternity.  Although it may seem like a long time before I can be with him again, I have a lot more waiting for me when I reach him.