Things have been quiet over the last several weeks, both in my activities and in my mind. I've had a few things that have created some turmoil and stress, but I think I have dealt with the situations much faster and calmer than I could have even a year ago.
I have reached a place, for now, that has very little emotion, I feel flat. Maybe it is the fact that I felt so manic over such a long period of time, that this relatively calm period feels emotionless. When I think of Curtis I don't get terribly down, in fact some memories can bring a smile to my face.
While at a retreat shortly after Curtis' death, the speaker was commenting about getting to a place that we can say, "my son lived" rather than, "my son died." I felt at the time that I couldn't reach that point. But, looking at his things lately, I have reached that calm spot, and thought how lucky I was to have raised such a wonderful person. I couldn't be the person I am today if he hadn't entered my life.
Although sometimes I can get ahead of myself and get worried about the many years I have to live this life without him in it. How much I will miss out on because he is not here. I have to remember that this life is just a speck of sand compared to eternity. Although it may seem like a long time before I can be with him again, I have a lot more waiting for me when I reach him.
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