Happy Birthday

Last week I celebrated a birthday.  I marked this date the same way I have for 27 years, quietly and alone, even without the birthday boy.  As a teenager I had given this child up for adoption.  The father of the child had walked away from the situation, and at a time when my family was still mourning the death of my sister, I was ill equipped to take care of him.

I knew from that point I would be honest to any future children about this child, but I needed to wait for the subject to arise.  It did one day when Curtis was in elementary school.  He asked me if I ever had to go to court for anything.  I told him I had to go to give up my parental rights.  His only reaction was a disappointed "Oh, is that it?", as if the story wasn't juicy enough.  Over the years he periodically had questions for me, making me believe he held this child close to his heart too.  He even helped me, inadvertently, spill the beans to Emily. 

I know that some people think of this as a selfish act, but I did this for him.  I wanted more for him than I was able to offer at the time.  I think of it as one of the most selfless acts, I loved him enough to give him more.   It was one of the most difficult things in my life, only overshadowed by the death of Curtis.  I have thought of this child often over the years, but not as much as in the last year.  I have never regretted the decision, but I wonder why after giving up one, I have to suffer the loss of another?  I have thought often in the last year why some, seemingly, go through life unscathed, while others suffer so much?  I'm not only talking about my own situation, I know many people who have had one thing after another.  There is no answer to this question, but it is something I think of.

I hope to someday meet my child.  It has always been my belief that I will leave it up to him to make the choice to meet me.  That thought was briefly changed after Curits' death, I desperately wanted that connection, but it wouldn't be fair to him, and there was no replacing my loss.  The thought of him out there, happy and healthy still gives me hope.  Happy Birthday son.