Faith

Faith is defined as the complete confidence, or firm belief in something for which there is no proof.  I have to admit, that I have had a complete shake up of my faith.  Or so I thought until another Gold Star Mother said to me, "You haven't lost your Faith, it's only been bruised"  That statement made sense to me, although it made me think of a very large, very dark purple bruise that you can't touch because it's so tender, and you know it will turn that awful shade of yellow green before it finally heals.

I have Faith that I will someday be reunited with Curtis and my loved ones again.  I pray that God will protect Emily and Katie, and let them lead long and happy lives.  I pray that Dave and I will get though this tragedy intact.  I pray that I can find peace and happiness again.  I pray that every Marine and Soldier comes home to their family safe.  Is this what Faith is?  Believing, even though some of those prayers may never be answered?  Or answered, just not in the way I'd like?

I have had a tough time returning to church services.  Listening to how Jesus loves me hurts me to the core.  Being around that many people puts me into a state of panic.  I really feel bad about this, because our church and it's members have been so good to us.  But here again, is my participation in church a measure of my Faith?  I really don't think so.  I believe Curtis is in a better place, it just hurts that it isn't here with me.  I believe I will someday be there too.  I just wish I could be like some of those people you see that seem so sound and have that unshakable faith through the most difficult times.  I hope someday I can return to church and feel calm and at peace, but for now I have to work things my own way, bruises and all.