Is It Chemistry?

I've been told that an event like this can change your body chemistry, sometimes for a short time, sometimes permanently.  I see many changes in myself since last April.  Some are slowly reverting back to my old self and some are not. 

The first is my sleep patterns.  Initially after Curtis' death I couldn't sleep for any length at all.  I was up all hours of the night wondering around the house, checking the facebook sight that Emily had set up.  I think this lasted about a month.  After that there was a drastic change that I can't explain.  I went into some sort of hibernation state.  I would sleep 12 hours a night without waking, and any time I would sit down during the day, I would fall asleep.  I have had many bouts of insomnia during my life, napping is not something I am too fond of because of it, so this was a huge change for me.  On the other hand, Dave, usually a quick and deep sleeper, has had trouble sleeping though the night. This is something he is still struggling with, while I am slowly going back to a normal pattern. 

Eating is another change.  Of course at first eating was not something that came easily.  Even if I found anything remotely appetizing, it got caught in my throat.  I think I lived on fruit and water for the first couple of weeks.  Although it's gotten better, I have to actually remind myself to eat, I don't really feel hunger.  If someone puts food in front of me, I will eat it and think, "Wow, I was hungry", but I won't realize it until I'm eating.  Is it that I don't care to eat, or that it's been a chore to actually make the meals to eat?  Dave and I used to love to find new recipes and cook, now I'm lucky to have two dinners planned in a row, and they are pretty basic at that.  I hope to never eat another frozen pizza again once I get through this!

One of the most profound changes has been my love of chocolate.  It is almost non existent now!  Chocolate cravings used to be a daily occurrence for me.  I would even hide it from my family, just in case.  Now, I can take it or leave it.  If it is sitting out, I may take a piece, but more often than not I won't.  I have some in my closet now that I received for Christmas that goes unopened, and I even threw some away that was still around from Easter.  I guess it's not a bad thing that I eat less chocolate, but I find it strange.

Of course there are other changes I see in myself.  It makes me wonder if it is an actual chemistry change or just part of depression that comes from grief?  I get up every day, my house is clean, I go to work and socialize.  I find my humor is still intact, but the joy and passion for things is dull.  If my body had sustained the injuries that my emotions did, I would have ended up in the ICU, I've been upgraded, but I still need time to recover. These chemicals are getting the best of me yet!